Megan Mulls It Over

+JMJ

Any reader who knows me IRL or is a regular on this blog is probably aware that I am somewhat of a conspiracy theorist. But I am way too attached to certain creature comforts to be a useful conspiracy theorist. If the grid goes down in my lifetime, I will not be out in the woods growing my own food and flying under the radar. I’ll be right there with the rest of you in the repurposed stadium saying, “I told you this would happen one day! But at least they’ve got Wi-Fi here. That was nice of them.”

But this article from Fast Company has reassured me that I will not be the first to die when the grid goes down. Probably the second or third, but not the first. According to the article, this past weekend some Nest users found themselves unable to unlock their doors or operate their thermostats due to malfunctions in the Google Cloud.

And if being locked out of your house or unable to use your AC due to a computer glitch isn’t enough to convince you that you need a tech downgrade, one of those repurposed stadiums is likely to be named after you. Congratulations.

The most disturbing part of the subject article was its discussion of the effect of the Cloud malfunction on Nest cameras that were being used as baby monitors. The article actually says (emphasis is mine), “…because of a cloud storage outage, people were prevented from getting inside their homes, using their AC, and monitoring their babies.”

Wow, if only there were a way to monitor your baby without a baby monitor.

Someone is going to have to explain to me the purpose of a baby monitor, Cloud-connected or not. “Baby monitors let you know if your baby is in distress.” If your baby is in that much distress, how can you not hear him? Do you live in an 8,000-square foot home? If you do, why are you even worried about your baby? That’s the nanny’s job.

Oh wait, I think I get it. You live in a studio apartment, but you can’t hear your baby bawling his head off because you’ve got your earbuds in.

So you need Nest or some other tool to tell you things like, “Baby crying. Baby has raging ear infection.” Or “Baby kidnapped. Do not call police. Initiate Comrade Angela Davis’ Restorative Justice Protocol.”

If only there were a way to solve this problem without taking out your earbuds. The struggle is real.

And I have a hunch that many of the parents who depend on technology to supervise their children have misplaced priorities. My prediction is that that Nest-monitored baby will become the 12-year-old who’s not allowed to use the microwave (which, in his home, is likely to also be connected to the Cloud). But I’m sure he’ll have a smartphone. Just to keep him safe. And don’t worry about online predators. There’s an app to filter them out.

Unfortunately, however, those apps work best for stuff like “Free candy in my van!” They don’t filter out stuff like “Sex work is real work!” Because that comes from intersectional feminism. And you don’t want to filter out intersectionality. You would be so ashamed if your child’s worldview weren’t intersectional.

So it’s only a matter of time before your toxically safe 12-year-old starts thinking, “I used to think human trafficking was bad, but then intersectional feminists told me that sex work is real work and that ‘trafficker’ is often used as a slur, so now I’m confused.”

And meanwhile, you’ve still got your earbuds in.

On a much lighter note, as a Texan, the AC issue in the article really hit home for me. If you are a Texan whose AC is dependent on the Cloud, you need to stop being a Texan whose AC is dependent on the Cloud. It is too risky. Granted, the average Nest user is likely of a demographic who can afford to go to a hotel if his AC breaks down. But in a Texas summer every minute counts when your AC breaks down. You only have a few minutes before heat-induced insanity kicks in. So if it takes you 15 minutes just to load up all your electronic devices, you’re probably going to die.

And if you’re a Nest user, it probably takes you more than 15 minutes to pack your electronic devices. Especially if your favorite packing app is also down.

The necessity of AC in Texas has left me with the firm belief that a Texan should never apologize for her AC usage. If you’re cold, there’s this invention called a “sweater.” Amazon Prime can probably deliver one to you by drone within the hour. If you can’t wait that long to warm up, just walk outside. And because my sense of hospitality wasn’t damaged in the Cloud meltdown, I’ll even hold the door so it doesn’t hit you on the way out.

Verso l’alto,
Megan