Megan Mulls It Over

+JMJ

Note: In this post, I have chosen to use the term “trans woman” for a man who identifies as a woman and “trans man” for a woman who identifies as a man. This is a departure from past practice, but I decided to do it for clarity purposes, not because my opinions have changed about transgender issues. I will put the terms in quotes as a way of indicating that “trans women” are men and “trans men” are women. And my personal policy about pronouns (which, btw, does not apply to commenters) has not changed. I will continue to use pronouns in a way that affirms biological and ontological realities, even though that means violating standards of political correctness.

For those who are new here and wanting more background on why I believe that this is the most moral, humane, and genuinely respectful course of action, see my previous posts on Chelsea Manning. (There are plenty to choose from. This blog is probably the closest thing there is to a Chelsea Manning Show.)

Anyone who is a regular reader of this blog will know that I abhor political correctness. Nevertheless, I will often read articles written by people with opposing views to learn about all the things that I am doing wrong. One such piece that I read recently on Vice was “100 Easy Ways to Make the World Better for Trans People.” (Does “100 Easy Ways” sound oxymoronic to anyone else, or is it just me?)

The author, Kai Isaiah-Jamal, is a British “trans man.” I realize that I am not the target audience for her article. It is directed at “cis allies,” which is ironic because the tone is often very harsh and condescending.

If this is how Isaiah-Jamal talks to her allies, how does she talk to her enemies?

I actually think that the word “ally” itself is very telling. An ally is distinct from a friend. A friend is someone you associate with for purposes of companionship, fun, and emotional support. The role of an ally is more strategic. And I think this must get murky in real life because there are probably a lot of cis allies who think that they are both allies and friends to the transgender people in their lives. And I’m sure there are a lot of transgender people who regard their allies (or at least the ones they know IRL) as friends. But after reading this article I’m not sure that Isaiah-Jamal is one of those people.

She throws quite a bit of harsh shade before she even gets to the list of tips. The line above the article’s title says, “The Least You Could Do.” And the very first paragraph states, “Let’s cut the shit – there’s no positive way a cis person can dictate or speak on a life that you do not live and a world you do not have to navigate as a trans person.”

While I agree that it’s technically true that no one can ever fully understand what another person is going through, this is the type of language that I would expect Isaiah-Jamal to throw at someone like me, not an ally.

She goes on to say, “We need you to be on the look out for how you can use your privilege for our benefit and not yours…” I have to ask: Is it categorically wrong to use your own privilege for your own benefit? If you are using your own privilege for your own benefit, does that automatically mean that it is to the detriment of your transgender associates? This line in the article makes it sound like allyship is a zero-sum game. (I have no idea what the transgender people that allies ally themselves with are called. In geopolitics, the reciprocal of “ally” is “ally.” But that doesn’t seem to make as much sense here, so I am going with “associate.” It’s not very good, but it’s what I could come up with. If anyone knows the proper term, please let me know in the Comments, and I will correct the post accordingly.)

The pleasantries continue in the final line before Isaiah-Jamal launches into her list. “Bear in mind that this is only a start.” Oh joy.

Before I begin my discussion of my favorite items on the list, let me make clear that this post is not intended to discourage cisgender people from pursuing friendships with transgender people, nor is it intended to imply that Isaiah-Jamal speaks for the entire transgender community. Rather, my intention is to showcase the views of one transgender person who very publicly shared thoughts that I think are indicative of someone who has managed to weaponize her triple minority status (as a black transgender person who was “assigned female at birth”) in a way that could be very alienating to some of the people who are already very supportive of her identity and choices. (Note: the numbers given below correspond to the numbers in the article assigned to each tip.)

1 – “Respect people’s pronouns…”

Even though I’m not the target audience, I did get a kick out of the fact that I already broke one of the rules right out of the gate. And the fact that I’m not the target audience made me wonder why this one is even on the list. How would an ally not know about “respecting pronouns”? And why would an ally deliberately use the “wrong” pronouns? This one seems like preaching to the choir to me.

4 – “Try to start removing binary language from your everyday conversations. If we all make conscious efforts to steer away from gendering everything, this will have a knock-on effect that stops our learnt obsession of having to divide everything into binaries.”

Wait, do we need to stop using “binary language” for people who place themselves within the binary? (Or do we not speak of those people at all?) Also, this “gendering everything” is not really a thing in the English language, because English nouns do not have gender like nouns in Spanish and other languages do. I am also not sure that this “learnt obsession of having to divide everything into binaries” even exists, but again, I am not the target audience, so what do I know?

5 – “Trans women are women…”

The only reason I am including this one is to point out that Isaiah-Jamal may be having a hard time following her own rules, so now I don’t feel so bad about not being able to keep up. In the introduction to the article, she wrote, “…trans womxn are womxn…”

And then here on Tip No. 5, she either accidentally caved in to The Patriarchy or remembered that “trans women” are actually men.

Or maybe the editor just goofed. Either way, this one made for a good laugh.

9 – “Don’t refer to us as a whole. Do not make sweeping generalisations about every trans person. We are all individual people with different opinions.”

This one is kinda ironic because it appears in places like this article is purporting to speak for all transgender people.

11 – “NEVER ask anything about our genitalia or body. ‘So… do you still have everything down there’ as a puzzled hand flutters near our privates is not ever going to be OK. That is final.”

That “not ever going to be OK” is an example of what I referenced in my sentence about Tip No. 9. Isaiah-Jamal obviously has a strong aversion to such questions, and that’s certainly understandable. But I am going to go out on a limb here and posit that every ally/associate relationship is different. And I’m sure that there are some transgender people who wouldn’t mind their allies asking them questions about their medical histories, particularly if the relationship is more like a friendship and particularly if the ally asks in a way that’s not as crude as the way that Isaiah-Jamal presents.

And if a trans person is this offended by an ally’s questions, can’t he or she stand up for himself or herself?

Or are we to believe that transgender people are so incapable of managing their own relationships that everyone who encounters them needs to read lists like these before engaging with them?

15 – “When you are in queer spaces, repeat: ‘This is not my space, I will not fill it’ and actually do what you say.”

First of all, I really don’t like the “q-word” because I’m from the old school where it was considered a slur. More importantly, I think this tip might be encouraging allies to be hypervigilant about something that may not even be an issue. “Megan! How dare you assume you know what would be an issue for a trans person!”

Here’s how: I can imagine that there would be scenarios in which an ally comes to dominate a conversation in a “queer space” in a way that is organic and not offensive to the transgender people who are present. For example, what if one of the transgender people asks the ally a question that invites or requires a long response? Or what if the ally happens to have more information than anyone else to contribute to the conversation? For example, if the topic is “Fun Things to Do in Hawaii,” and the ally’s the only one who’s ever been, should he say very little so as not to “fill the space”?

16 – “Be aware of your hands. Do not touch people without consent in all spaces – and especially queer spaces – and especially avoid touching trans people who often are triggered by physical contact involving parts of their body.”

I am assuming that this is referring to non-sexual touching. I don’t want to sound insensitive, but if someone is this severely triggered by this type of touching and does not communicate that to allies in advance, I don’t think it’s necessarily fair to expect an ally to know not to do something that would otherwise be socially acceptable. Everyone deserves to receive comfort and support regarding past traumas, but that doesn’t mean that it is okay for survivors to castigate allies and friends for making unintentional blunders while doing their very best to be supportive.

Do any of us want to live in a world where there is contempt for someone who forgot to ask permission before putting a sympathetic hand on the arm of someone who just shared a trauma story?

Also, it seems like this rule about not touching without consent (and again, I am assuming non-sexual touching) would be off-putting to many transgender people.

I think that what Isaiah-Jamal would view as “not touching me without consent” could easily be viewed by another transgender person as “afraid to touch me.”

And if the not touching occurs after the sharing of a trauma story or similar event, I think it could be especially hurtful. Is the survivor more likely to think, “She really respects my boundaries” or “She’s so disgusted by me that she didn’t even give me a pat on the arm”?

17 – “If you are called out for being offensive, do not argue. This is not a debate. Apologise. Take a moment to reflect. If necessary, leave or give the space over to those you have offended or upset.”

This one was a little strange to me in light of Rule No. 9 about not making generalizations. Because of Rule No. 9, I think Isaiah-Jamal would agree that there could be scenarios in which not all the transgender people in a group are in agreement about whether or not something an ally said or did is offensive. If one of the trans people wants to tell the offended party that he or she needs to lighten up or that the ally didn’t mean the words or action in the way that the offended party interpreted it, is that allowed?

Or does Isaiah-Jamal believe that trans people should behave like a bloc, where if one feels offended, they all should feel offended?

19 – “Remind us that being trans isn’t a burden…”

She says it’s not a burden, but yet she wrote this list (that “is only a start”) of 100 things people should do to make her life easier. And many of them are filled with insinuations or explicit reminders of how hard life as a trans person is. So I’m not convinced that Isaiah-Jamal doesn’t view transness as a burden.

And consider – how can you claim marginalized status based on something that’s not, in one sense or another, burdensome?

22 – “If a trans person is being verbally assaulted, made to feel unsafe or uncomfortable, or being attacked in any way and needs your help – open your mouth.”

The “being attacked in any way” would seem to include physical assault.

If that is the case, why are you saying “Open your mouth” rather than “Open fire!”?

Well, Isaiah-Jamal lives in the UK, so this is probably not a legal option.

Why do people who claim to be the biggest targets of violence live in jurisdictions that think self-defense is mean?

23 – “This being said, do not become the ally that speaks over or for a trans person in this situation. Ask if we want you to step in…”

This one would not sound so ridiculous if it included a physical violence exception, or if No. 22 hadn’t encompassed physical violence. Do you really want someone to ask permission before intervening if you are being physically assaulted?

Also, in situations where the attack is verbal, I don’t know if it would typically be possible for the ally to discreetly ask the associate whether or not intervention was desired. (I’m assuming that the associate would not want the ally to ask in a way that is noticeable to the attacker.)

Another thing that makes this one difficult to implement is the reluctance of many men to ask for or accept help, particularly if the ally is a woman. And when you take into account the “trans women” who actually are men plus the “trans men” who think they are, the male desire to “go it alone” would seem to be a major factor in these situations.

It doesn’t do the trans associate a lot of good to have a willing-to-help ally if he or she is unwilling to accept the help when he or she could really benefit from it.

26 – “Do not fetishise trans folk. We are not your sexual experimentations, tokens, or reason to rebel against your parents…”

I have to admit that when I first read the part about rebellion, I thought, “Is that like Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner: Brave New World Edition”? But seriously, if someone is treating you like this, why are you trying to school her rather than just cutting her out of your life?

29 – “Talk to the generation above you – your parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. You can’t always change traditional mindsets, but you can give them a new perspective.”

So is the idea that they could give you a new perspective completely beyond the pale? Also, why assume that they have “traditional mindsets”? A lot of these people came of age in the 1960s, so they may not be as easily shocked or offended as you think.

31 – “Don’t buy gendered things for kids around you. This just pushes the ideas that boys must like blue and girls must like pink and only one of them can play football in their spare time…”

I don’t like the idea of eschewing all “gendered things,” and I certainly don’t like the practice of raising children “gender-neutral.” I also think that it is important to dress children in clothing that is considered gender-appropriate. But I think that flexibility regarding favorite colors and hobbies is in order.

Ironically, however, some transgender people are some of the biggest promoters of gender-based rigidity when it comes to childhood hobbies. Check out what Chelsea Manning said in an August 2017 interview with Vogue: “I knew that I was different. I gravitated more toward playing house, but the teachers were always pushing me toward playing the more competitive games with the boys.”

(A couple sentences later, we learn, “Once, she and a group of other kids were allowed to take a field trip to Frontier City, an amusement park known for its loopy, soaring Silver Bullet roller coaster. Other students were petrified. Manning couldn’t wait to get on and boarded the ride all alone…”

And I hope I’m not the only one who is sad that (presumably) no one told the young Manning that getting on a rollercoaster all alone was a very badass and very manly move.)

32 – “Stop pretending only trans people experience name changes or surgery. Me changing my name and a friend getting married and changing her surname meant we had to go through some similar legal process. Help trans folk with these legal procedures…”

This seems to be inconsistent with the article’s overall tone of “Just because you’re an ally doesn’t mean you understand The Struggle.” I initially also thought that it was contradictory to Tip No. 96, which states, “Do not deny your privilege. If you tell me that being a cis heterosexual white man doesn’t mean you haven’t ‘had it rough,’ I will tell you that you are wrong.”

But then I remembered that her friend with the paperwork was a woman. So I guess all it takes is one victim category to undo privilege?

Or does Isaiah-Jamal tell this friend that she doesn’t understand The Struggle because she’s (I’m assuming) cis and heterosexual? Not to mention that she’s enabling The Patriarchy by getting married to a man and taking his last name.

45 – “Transphobia is a huge issue in the queer community. Do not let other people who identify as queer get away with things, because they can be by far the worst.”

(As mentioned previously, I am not a fan of the “q-word,” even when people use it to refer to themselves.) I think there are two main causes for “transphobia” among gays and lesbians. In the early days of homosexual activism, one of the arguments presented was, “We’re just like everyone else. The only difference is who we sleep with.” And because one’s sex life is (typically) lived outside of work, it’s something that can be “out of sight out of mind” for one’s coworkers. But being transgender is different because it is inherently harder to compartmentalize.

The other most common reason why some gays and lesbians are uncomfortable with the transgender movement is that they understand that many transgender people are ashamed of their homosexual orientations. This is not to say that every transgender person is gay and un-proud of it, but many are. And for these people, identifying as the opposite sex can offer a mental outlet for shame.

If you are G or L and ashamed of being G or L, just call yourself T and then you can consider yourself straight.

77 – “Sex work is a service. Again, this is not up for debate. Do not try to stop trans folk from advocating for and implementing their own safety measures. Do not hide your prejudice against sex workers with fake worry.”

We’ll have to break this one up into a few different sections. Regarding the opening sentence, first of all, ew. Second of all, there are lots of men who agree with that statement, so it’s kinda ironic that someone who probably sees “toxic masculinity” everywhere is having trouble recognizing genuinely toxic attitudes.

My reaction to the second sentence is also, “Ew,” but I do view it in the context of the author’s Britishness. I guess I can’t fault her for having an allergy to dissent. That is, after all, why our people broke away from her people.

Regarding the “safety measures,” who else is pretty sure that they don’t include getting out of sex work? It really baffles me that so many believe that there is a safe way to do sex work, particularly in libertine societies. These societies are the places where men who are mediocre or worse in the looks, manners, and sanity departments can get a lot of what they want for the price of a drink or less.

So what does this tell you about the type of men who hire sex workers?

Isaiah-Jamal likely hates men (kinda ironic that she identifies as one, huh?), so I have to wonder why she is this worried that the male dregs of our society might be left without a reliable source of sex. “But Megan, this isn’t about the customers’ pleasure! It’s about the workers’ income!” Call me crazy, but the fact that socially acceptable sex work can be spun as a “win-win” situation does not make it more palatable for me.

And let’s talk about that “prejudice” and “fake worry.” The part about hiding prejudice doesn’t apply to me because I have no problem with being open about my prejudice against sex work. It is an inherently immoral, inherently degrading, and inherently dangerous business. And my worries about it and the people involved are not “fake.” They are very real.

Is it really so implausible that someone could actually doubt the safeness of pleasuring strangers who have to pay for sex despite living in these last days of Caligula?

98 – “Not everything needs labels…”

And yet The Acronym seems to grow with each passing day. What’s up with that?

Overall this article showed me that the most vocal, publicized, and least likely to be deplatformed segment of the LGBT community is dominated by nonconformists who demand ideological conformity from everyone else, including fellow LGBT people. This article admonishes against generalizing, but there aren’t a lot of “I” statements in it (e.g., “I feel offended when allies…”), so it seems to encourage what it purportedly opposes. And the list as a whole underscores the very important truth that if everything is oppression, nothing is oppression.

So if you are still interested in being an ally to Isaiah-Jamal after reading this post, I would suggest that you have a contract drawn up that clearly outlines your rights and responsibilities in the relationship.

The good news is that half of the contract is already done for you. Because the “rights” section will be blank.

Verso l’alto,
Megan